Cookie Crisp mascots
I just saw a new commercial for my former favorite cereal of all time, Cookie Crisp. I note that they have a new mascot. It’s a wolf who steals cereal. Not coincidentally, he’s got the exact same “Cow-OOOOOkie Crisp!” howl as the mascot before him, which was a dog outfitted as a robber. Both are named Chip.
Most of you may not really care, but I think it’s worth noting that this is just the latest in an actually significant list of mascots for Cookie Crisp cereal. About twenty years ago there was a wizard that represented Cookie Crisp who held the cookies in a large pot. I suppose the cookies were so delicious that the only way you could believe they were real was because they were conjured up in a cauldron by this mysterious enchanter. And he didn’t just pop out chocolate chip cookies – back then the option was chocolate chip, oatmeal, or vanilla (read: plain). Of course the chocolate chip cookies were the ones that survived, because if you’re going to model your cereal after cookies, don’t half-ass it with some sort of healthy-type shit.
But I digress. The wizard was there for a while, then disappeared. Then we had a Cookie Crisp criminal show up, a.k.a. The Cookie Crook, who had the typical robber’s black mask over his eyes, and he was running amok. General Mills finally got on the same page as the rest of the public – the public that was living in fear of losing their boxes of Cookie Crisp – and created something to finally neutralize all the lawlessness. They came up with a standard Irish cop with a billy club (they left out the flask of whiskey) to keep Cookie Crook in check. The original concept was that Cookie Crook tried to steal the cereal; Cookie Cop gave chase.
It seemed that the marketing group alternated between these two over the next few years, sometimes featuring one more than the other. Perhaps Cookie Crisp was losing popularity and went on the marketing department’s backburner; it seemed like the interns were handling the mascots because it was all over the place. I’m sure the interns' escapades came to a halt when a senior in marketing caught them trying to pass their new campaign into production: Cookie Crook being caught in a sting operation as he tried to solicit a prostitute with some stolen cookies.
They decided to mix it up by giving Cookie Crook a dog, dressed exactly the same way. This came about because the cop was abusing his authority. His billy club versus Crook’s burlap sack wasn’t much of a match – there's grainy footage of when a security camera caught Cookie Cop beating the fuck out of strung-out Cookie Crook at 4 AM behind a lamp post – so the dog was there to balance things out.
Eventually Cop retired and Crook was probably shot, because soon we were only exposed to the dog. The dog did well enough due to his distinctive howl. However, this was a crucial point in the Cookie Crisp road, and no one seems to know this but me: Cookie Crisp’s formula changed. I don’t know how to prove this, but I can guarantee it’s true. All of a sudden the flavor that kept me hooked at all times was gone, and I no longer had the same craving. I can’t define or find this taste, but it was good. The changed flavor turned into something more processed. I broke free of that cookie-hold only to slip right into Sonny the Cocoa Bird’s world of hell.
Speaking of other mascots, General Mills seems to have a running theme with their cereal mascots: crime. The Rabbit would simply try to take food from children, whereas Cookie Crisp makes you steal outright. It’s quite a little crime syndicate, come to think of it. You’ve got Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird, Lucky Charms (the children were the assholes this time around), the Trix Rabbit, and the Cookie Crisp crew. Not to mention Count Chocula, Booberry, and Frankenberry killed hundreds of children before they got their corporate job with GM. Yummy Mummy was probably someone’s nephew because he was a huge wuss bag, but the gang overall was pretty far from polished. There's a story of Frankenberry ripping a girl's throat out in a village in Eastern Europe because the girl's father almost hit his car.
Most of you may not really care, but I think it’s worth noting that this is just the latest in an actually significant list of mascots for Cookie Crisp cereal. About twenty years ago there was a wizard that represented Cookie Crisp who held the cookies in a large pot. I suppose the cookies were so delicious that the only way you could believe they were real was because they were conjured up in a cauldron by this mysterious enchanter. And he didn’t just pop out chocolate chip cookies – back then the option was chocolate chip, oatmeal, or vanilla (read: plain). Of course the chocolate chip cookies were the ones that survived, because if you’re going to model your cereal after cookies, don’t half-ass it with some sort of healthy-type shit.
But I digress. The wizard was there for a while, then disappeared. Then we had a Cookie Crisp criminal show up, a.k.a. The Cookie Crook, who had the typical robber’s black mask over his eyes, and he was running amok. General Mills finally got on the same page as the rest of the public – the public that was living in fear of losing their boxes of Cookie Crisp – and created something to finally neutralize all the lawlessness. They came up with a standard Irish cop with a billy club (they left out the flask of whiskey) to keep Cookie Crook in check. The original concept was that Cookie Crook tried to steal the cereal; Cookie Cop gave chase.
It seemed that the marketing group alternated between these two over the next few years, sometimes featuring one more than the other. Perhaps Cookie Crisp was losing popularity and went on the marketing department’s backburner; it seemed like the interns were handling the mascots because it was all over the place. I’m sure the interns' escapades came to a halt when a senior in marketing caught them trying to pass their new campaign into production: Cookie Crook being caught in a sting operation as he tried to solicit a prostitute with some stolen cookies.
They decided to mix it up by giving Cookie Crook a dog, dressed exactly the same way. This came about because the cop was abusing his authority. His billy club versus Crook’s burlap sack wasn’t much of a match – there's grainy footage of when a security camera caught Cookie Cop beating the fuck out of strung-out Cookie Crook at 4 AM behind a lamp post – so the dog was there to balance things out.
Eventually Cop retired and Crook was probably shot, because soon we were only exposed to the dog. The dog did well enough due to his distinctive howl. However, this was a crucial point in the Cookie Crisp road, and no one seems to know this but me: Cookie Crisp’s formula changed. I don’t know how to prove this, but I can guarantee it’s true. All of a sudden the flavor that kept me hooked at all times was gone, and I no longer had the same craving. I can’t define or find this taste, but it was good. The changed flavor turned into something more processed. I broke free of that cookie-hold only to slip right into Sonny the Cocoa Bird’s world of hell.
Speaking of other mascots, General Mills seems to have a running theme with their cereal mascots: crime. The Rabbit would simply try to take food from children, whereas Cookie Crisp makes you steal outright. It’s quite a little crime syndicate, come to think of it. You’ve got Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird, Lucky Charms (the children were the assholes this time around), the Trix Rabbit, and the Cookie Crisp crew. Not to mention Count Chocula, Booberry, and Frankenberry killed hundreds of children before they got their corporate job with GM. Yummy Mummy was probably someone’s nephew because he was a huge wuss bag, but the gang overall was pretty far from polished. There's a story of Frankenberry ripping a girl's throat out in a village in Eastern Europe because the girl's father almost hit his car.
posted by Man Smythe | 1:06 PM
2 Comments:
Hahaha. I don't know who you are, but you're hilarious. I love this.
Looking up old cookie crisp mascots and found this. Terrific read. I was actually curious about the formula change, too! I SWEAR YOU ARE RIGHT
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home