Subtle Rules of Life
I tried to compile some things that aren't so apparent to everyone, though we all know them. I could be entirely off the mark, but then, maybe YOU ARE:
Don’t wash down a warm chocolate chip cookie with chocolate milk. It won’t taste as good as you expect because you’re overdoing it. Only regular milk will suffice.
If you’re giving someone a fade-type haircut, make sure the back of the head and around the ears are all cut. Otherwise you’ve negated the entire point of the haircut.
When something is about to blow up because of you, such as a car, plane, etc., simply walk away from it and don’t turn around when it explodes.
If you’re in a movie and reading a letter in the rain, make no attempts to keep it from getting wet. In fact, if something is in the water and you’re fully clothed, simply jump in to get it, regardless of the fact that you're soon going to be damp and cold and miserable.
If you wear a Yankees hat to a Red Sox game, especially in the bleacher seats, do not act surprised when you start getting shit for it. That’s either ballsy or just plain dumb.
When begging for change from a wheelchair, at least be consistent enough to not have both feet on the ground when sitting in it, or prove to passers by that you’re capable of walking. Also, do not beg from a wheelchair in one spot today when you were begging with the blessing of your legs 50 feet further away yesterday.
Anytime someone says, " … and if you EVER … blah blah blah" (essentially threatening someone about doing something ever again) it’s corny. Don’t do it. It’s intended to be a display of control and authority, but it doesn’t actually work and sounds retarded. People emphasize the word "ever" because they see it in movies, but it sounds pretty ridiculous in real life. This has also been seen when an older brother has waited for his little sister to walk away and then threatens the new boyfriend. Like, "Break her heart and I’ll break your face." Works in movies, but if you do it real life you’re a loser.
If you’re an employee of Starbucks, and consequently part of an ordering system that takes customers 90 seconds to order a drink, you have no right to get upset at a customer who’s pissed that his order got fucked up.
Speaking of Starbucks, don’t ever stand in line there if the line is 20 people deep. There’s another one around the corner.
If you find yourself quoting a movie, quote one line at the most. No one needs to hear, say, the entire Bill Murray anecdote about the Dali Lama golfing. We all know it.
Pre-shower you and post-shower you do not agree.
95% of the things presented to you every day are horseshit. You don’t need a cell phone that has Instant Messenger, you need a phone that has reception.
It’s dibs. Not first dibs. Dibs. Dibs means you’ve got the first grab at it, so saying "first dibs" is pointless, isn’t it. Just because every other retard says it, doesn’t make it so. The same goes for lackadaisical (not "lax") and the made up "conversate." Rappers say it because they’re usually uneducated. It’s "converse."
The majority of people don’t know what they’re talking about. Find out for yourself, just make sure you learn from the mistakes.
There’s almost always a shortcut. Don’t wait in line. Almost doesn’t mean always, but it works most of the time.
If you have one job to do and get paid well for it, keep your eye on the ball.
Do a double check.
If your roommate is locking the apartment door as you’re all leaving together, and you remember that you don’t have your key, go inside and get it. Just because you’re with him or her at that point, doesn’t mean you will be in three hours. Because when you come home alone then you’re in Fuckville, population: You.
When you have the chance to pee, take it. Especially when travelling.
Listen. No one else does. I think pretty much no one else on earth.
Just like the title of this list or rules implies, subtlety is everything.
It’s all in the delivery. Watch two people tell a joke. One can make it the funniest thing in the world, the other can ruin it.
Don’t wash down a warm chocolate chip cookie with chocolate milk. It won’t taste as good as you expect because you’re overdoing it. Only regular milk will suffice.
If you’re giving someone a fade-type haircut, make sure the back of the head and around the ears are all cut. Otherwise you’ve negated the entire point of the haircut.
When something is about to blow up because of you, such as a car, plane, etc., simply walk away from it and don’t turn around when it explodes.
If you’re in a movie and reading a letter in the rain, make no attempts to keep it from getting wet. In fact, if something is in the water and you’re fully clothed, simply jump in to get it, regardless of the fact that you're soon going to be damp and cold and miserable.
If you wear a Yankees hat to a Red Sox game, especially in the bleacher seats, do not act surprised when you start getting shit for it. That’s either ballsy or just plain dumb.
When begging for change from a wheelchair, at least be consistent enough to not have both feet on the ground when sitting in it, or prove to passers by that you’re capable of walking. Also, do not beg from a wheelchair in one spot today when you were begging with the blessing of your legs 50 feet further away yesterday.
Anytime someone says, " … and if you EVER … blah blah blah" (essentially threatening someone about doing something ever again) it’s corny. Don’t do it. It’s intended to be a display of control and authority, but it doesn’t actually work and sounds retarded. People emphasize the word "ever" because they see it in movies, but it sounds pretty ridiculous in real life. This has also been seen when an older brother has waited for his little sister to walk away and then threatens the new boyfriend. Like, "Break her heart and I’ll break your face." Works in movies, but if you do it real life you’re a loser.
If you’re an employee of Starbucks, and consequently part of an ordering system that takes customers 90 seconds to order a drink, you have no right to get upset at a customer who’s pissed that his order got fucked up.
Speaking of Starbucks, don’t ever stand in line there if the line is 20 people deep. There’s another one around the corner.
If you find yourself quoting a movie, quote one line at the most. No one needs to hear, say, the entire Bill Murray anecdote about the Dali Lama golfing. We all know it.
Pre-shower you and post-shower you do not agree.
95% of the things presented to you every day are horseshit. You don’t need a cell phone that has Instant Messenger, you need a phone that has reception.
It’s dibs. Not first dibs. Dibs. Dibs means you’ve got the first grab at it, so saying "first dibs" is pointless, isn’t it. Just because every other retard says it, doesn’t make it so. The same goes for lackadaisical (not "lax") and the made up "conversate." Rappers say it because they’re usually uneducated. It’s "converse."
The majority of people don’t know what they’re talking about. Find out for yourself, just make sure you learn from the mistakes.
There’s almost always a shortcut. Don’t wait in line. Almost doesn’t mean always, but it works most of the time.
If you have one job to do and get paid well for it, keep your eye on the ball.
Do a double check.
If your roommate is locking the apartment door as you’re all leaving together, and you remember that you don’t have your key, go inside and get it. Just because you’re with him or her at that point, doesn’t mean you will be in three hours. Because when you come home alone then you’re in Fuckville, population: You.
When you have the chance to pee, take it. Especially when travelling.
Listen. No one else does. I think pretty much no one else on earth.
Just like the title of this list or rules implies, subtlety is everything.
It’s all in the delivery. Watch two people tell a joke. One can make it the funniest thing in the world, the other can ruin it.
posted by Man Smythe | 5:18 PM
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